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[0:00] Both of these texts that Gary has just read are related to relational themes, first having to do with a relationship that has been injured in the church at Corinth between brethren who see fit to take one another to court over some kind of a disagreement that they've had.

[0:22] You may be sure that there was an argument that ensued and that there were differences of opinion and there may have been names called, etc., that kind of thing.

[0:33] And then in the Romans 15 passage, the Apostle Paul is addressing the necessity for believers being able to admonish one another.

[0:45] That means to confront one another. Relationships often are injured and can be restored and repaired, but it never happens.

[0:59] And very often the reason it doesn't happen is because the offender and the offended are never able to get together and discuss the issue.

[1:11] When Paul talks about, I am convinced that you are able to admonish one another, it means to confront. The word actually in the Greek is nuthéo, from which we get the word nuthetic counseling.

[1:28] And it means to be able to confront or to speak frankly with one in a counseling kind of situation. And this all has to do, of course, with relationships.

[1:42] Someone inserted this comment and put it in the offering box. I told you that because of the nature of the material we are considering, it might be a little embarrassing for some of you who have a question to ask it publicly.

[1:58] And I can understand that. And if that is the case, you are welcome to write out any question that you may have. It isn't necessary that you sign it.

[2:09] You can submit it anonymously. Drop it in the offering box and we will do our best to address the question. Very often it has to do with a what if kind of situation.

[2:22] So, and the party that dropped this in the box said, regarding your message of January 2 of 2011, it boils down to respect or disrespect of people.

[2:41] That's true. It does. That is essentially what we're talking about. Respect or disrespect of people. And I got to thinking a little bit about that word. It's a word that we use a lot.

[2:54] And when you stop and think about it, the word respect is simply a compound word. And this part, the spect comes from, word with which we are familiar as spectator, or spectacles, or spectacle.

[3:18] And it simply has to do with seeing. And when you put the re in front of it, and make it respect, it means to look at again, a second time.

[3:31] We would say, you give it a second look. And when you do that, you are suggesting that that which you are looking at is worthy of, or deserves, a second look.

[3:48] When you met, guys, when you met Mrs. Wright, I'm sure you gave her a second look.

[3:58] And a third, and a fourth, probably. You were really trying to respect her, weren't you? Well, that's what the word means. It means to give it a second look.

[4:09] And of course, if you disrespect someone, it means you regard them as being unworthy of even being looked at the second time. So that kind of brings it down home, doesn't it?

[4:23] And also, while I've got this here on the overhead, I just want to remind you that we categorized the offenses. We are using an analogy between these little things to correlate them with how they wound or inflict the human spirit.

[4:43] when we offend one another, we say something or do something that hurts. It's that hurt on the inside that you can't soothe and rub over.

[4:59] Like when you get a wound on the outside, you bang your finger with a hammer like I've done more than once. You stick your thumb in your mouth and you try to do something to comfort yourself a little bit.

[5:12] You do that with the flesh, but you can't do that with the spirit. And wounds come in different sizes. They are offenses of a different degree.

[5:25] There is the dart that hurts just a little bit, you know, but it still hurts. And then there is the arrow, which is more significant. Then there is the offense that we would categorize as a spear.

[5:39] That's a biggie. It really penetrates. It goes deep into the human spirit. And it really finds lodging there. It is very, very painful.

[5:52] It may be agonizingly painful, such as one might experience when being offended by their mate with an illicit affair, the intrusion of a third party, a loss of loyalty or integrity.

[6:14] And it really hurts a lot. It's just like a spear, a javelin thrown right into your spirit.

[6:24] And it penetrates. An interesting thing about these, and by the way, while we're talking about this, let me just give you a run-through of where I'm going with all of this because I want you to keep this in mind.

[6:38] We are talking about relationships and the power to sustain them, repair them, etc.

[6:51] Relationships go awry. That's a given. Not only is it a given, it is inevitable. And the reason it is, is because of our humanity. We all tend to be somewhat self-centered.

[7:05] All of us. Some of us are more self-centered than others. These are people who are extremely selfish. But every human being has a selfish streak in them.

[7:17] We all do. As I've said, it's part of the fall. You cannot avoid that. But the scriptures provide a way for correcting the offenses and backing out of that situation so that it can be restored rather than continue on in an injurious situation or even terminate like a lot of relationships do.

[7:42] And I pointed out to you in the beginning, the real culprit that injures, damages, or even severs relationships, not offenses, offenses.

[7:55] It's offenses that are unresolved. Offenses that are never addressed. Offenses that are never fixed. And there are reasons why we don't labor to fix them.

[8:08] And we're going to be talking about that as well. So let's start out here with where we would be in the beginning. And we start out from a position of closeness. We'll call that, we'll call that hunky-dory.

[8:22] Everything is great in the relationship. Everything is as it ought to be. And then what happens secondly is the offense occurs.

[8:34] Or offenses. And as a result of the offense, there is injury. Or, an emotional wound.

[8:48] This is the kind of wound that you can't put a band-aid on. This is in the heart where it hurts inside. And then, fourthly, a common consequence of the injury or the wound is resentment toward the one who put it there.

[9:08] He hurt me. You don't feel good about that. In your spirit, you hold that hurt against the person who put it there.

[9:23] That's just a natural human response. And then, after that, there is coolness or a distancing.

[9:36] What happens? You are not as close as you used to be. There is some space between you that didn't used to exist.

[9:47] There is the coolness, the aloofness, maybe the quietness. Have you ever spent any long, quiet evenings together as husband and wife?

[10:02] I suspect you have. If you are human like the rest of us. And then, if there is to be any correction, it starts with information.

[10:14] This is a word you are going to get used to hearing because it is very, very important. What do I mean by information? I mean content or data that enters the picture that causes you to start reflecting and thinking about this situation.

[10:33] Information comes from two different sources. Internal and external. Internal information is when you suspect and you realize that there is a coolness, a distancing, things are not the same between you as they used to be, you start thinking about that.

[10:49] and you begin thinking things like, I wonder if he or she is still ticked about last night. It was an unfortunate situation and you know, I look back on it, I guess I was out of line.

[11:06] I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have said what I did and if I had to do over again, I wouldn't have said that. Do you know what that is?

[11:18] All of that reasoning is information. You are building a case in your own spirit and you are reaching a conclusion. That's internal information.

[11:29] You just begin thinking through that thing. You are programming yourself with information and processing it and reaching a conclusion. Sometimes the information is external.

[11:41] By that I mean it isn't something that you thought about regarding the offense. It's something they told you about. They told you that hurt.

[11:52] How could you say such a thing? How could you do such a thing? On and on. Or a third party may come up to you. I don't know if you know it or not, but boy, George has really steamed at you. Oh, really?

[12:04] What about? Well, the business meeting we had last week, remember when you said thus and so and this? Well, he really took offense to that. What you are doing is you are getting information.

[12:17] It is external. It is coming from a third party. It could come from the scriptures. When you read the Bible, you may read a passage that reminds you of something that just took place recently and it begins to work on you.

[12:32] That too is external information. You have to process that. The question is what are you going to do about it? As a result, of the information, if you face this information as you should and if it's something about which you are in the wrong and you need to take some corrective action, that's repentance.

[12:59] You reach a different conclusion. When you said what you did or did what you did that offended that party, that's the way you felt about it when you said it. But now, after it's all over, you've had time to think about it and you come to the conclusion, you know what, I guess I was really a jerk.

[13:25] Do you know that every man has a jerk factor? Some call it a clod factor. That works too.

[13:35] And I'm not suggesting that there are no ladies that have a jerk factor. Lady, you can be a jerk S or a clod S or whatever.

[13:50] But for us guys, I think here's the difference. Femininity has to work at it a little bit. Masculinity is a piece of cake.

[14:01] We can be a jerk or a clod without even thinking about it. It just comes so easy to masculinity because we tend to emotionally men can be a bull in the china shop.

[14:14] And that's part of masculinity. I have no idea why women are attracted to that, but they are. Maybe it's because they want to change us and they're working on changing.

[14:27] And then number eight, I'm running out of space here. Once you come to repentance, since then, this is an apology requested.

[14:39] And I want to tell you something. And I hope you hear this if you don't hear anything else I say. the power of an honest apology is incredible.

[14:58] There is nothing that can remove an offense like a sincere apology. apology. It is just absolutely awesome how powerful that is.

[15:14] Because only the apology can bring its counterpart into fruition. And that is, well, actually I don't want to get ahead of myself, but it is the apology, we'll call this the apology, let's call that the apology extended.

[15:39] That's the apology given. And then number nine is forgiveness requested.

[15:52] And that is important. I'm going to spend a little bit of time on each one of these because each of these is one of the biblical dynamics that God has provided for repairing and restoring relationships that have been wounded or injured.

[16:13] And as I've said before, so say I now again, and I'm as emphatic about this as I can possibly be, not only does this stuff work because it is God given, nothing else works.

[16:27] Nothing else works. Nothing else you can do can restore an injured relationship like this. This is so powerful and it is that which God has provided and made available to all believers.

[16:46] The problem is believers don't implement it. They don't put it into practice. It is there for us to use. But if you don't implement it, it's not going to happen.

[17:02] And let me emphasize this also. There is nothing easy about this. It is tough. It is tough to do.

[17:15] That's why, in fact, it is so tough that in many instances we would rather kiss off a relationship and say goodbye rather than fix it.

[17:30] That's the coward's way out. It's just dismiss it. Just write it off. Throw away the relationship rather than go through the personal emotional pain of fixing it.

[17:50] And that takes a lot of courage. Both men and women are so constituted in our fallenness that we'll just add one more throwaway to that relationship and abandon it rather than fix it.

[18:09] And we'll explore why that is so. But I do know from nearly 50 years of counseling that it is so. And then forgiveness requested and number 10 forgiveness granted and number 11 is restoration realized and how about this number 12 we've got our own 12 step plan here.

[18:49] I didn't realize it. And we're back to increased closeness. And the beautiful thing about this whole process when it is implemented and when you go through it.

[19:05] And by the way, I'm sure there are Christians who go through this process. They don't think of it as a process. They don't think, now let's see, what's number six or number seven?

[19:16] None of that. But they just do the right thing, the biblical thing that God has provided and the relationship is salvaged and restored. So I'm not saying by any manner of means that you've got to note all 12 of these and you've got to check them off as you go through.

[19:30] All I'm saying is in my estimation and as best as I'm able to understand this, which is certainly not as well as I would like to, these are the dynamics that I see at work.

[19:42] And I do know one thing about these for sure and that they do work. They work every time they are applied. It's just that we're often unwilling to apply them.

[19:57] And remember what we said in the first session, what's the problem? The hardness of the heart. Stubbornness. It is our ego. Our ego will doom an injured relationship because it takes courage and real fortitude to step up to the plate, take responsibility and implement these divine provisions that God has made for us.

[20:27] So, it is so absolutely critical. And let me go through some of this now. And, well, we noted in our last session about the darts and the arrows and the spears.

[20:45] Each creates a different degree of emotional injury, depending on the size of it. The frequency of the offense and the size of the wound, whether it's a dart, an arrow, or a spear, creates different degrees of emotional separation.

[21:03] the nature of the offense plus the frequency of occurrence equals the net damage done to the relationship and increases the emotional distancing between the offender and the offended.

[21:22] And let me inject here once again and remind you, I am not speaking specifically of husbands and wives, I'm speaking of all relationships, whether they are employer, employee, neighbors, siblings, parents, and children, or whomever they may be.

[21:40] This is the way it works with all relationships. It's just that marriage is one with which we can all quickly and easily identify. Very often, once this emotional distancing between the offended and the offender takes place, very often, neither are aware of what is happening.

[22:00] In the case of those who are married, they're still sleeping together, they're still eating their meals together, and they go places together, and they talk together.

[22:13] But, there is a cleavage, there is a distancing there, and by that I simply mean they are not as together as they were before the offense occurred.

[22:29] they may not even realize that there is a distancing that is taking place, but it is. And let me just stop right here and say, there are men here who do not have a clue to this, because that's part of the masculinity nature, but you ladies know full well what I'm talking about.

[22:52] because you, in your femininity, tend to be more sensitive and more in tune with relationships than what men are.

[23:05] It's just the difference between masculinity and femininity. Someone said that a woman, a wife, can know that a relationship is in trouble.

[23:19] Way early on, she senses that things are not what they ought to be. He doesn't have a clue that anything is wrong until he's served with papers. That's his first suspicion.

[23:31] He thought everything was okay. And that may sound a little exaggerated, but I suspect it is not terribly exaggerated based on what I have heard.

[23:42] Distancing is occurring, the gap is widening, and accumulation is ongoing, which results in resentment increasing, even if imperceptibly.

[23:59] And I don't think one party says to themselves, you know, I don't think we are as close as we used to be. Although, sometimes that happens. Sometimes there are little clues, little wake-up calls that cause them to reach that conclusion.

[24:13] And sometimes that can be a very saving moment. this chain of events may reach crisis proportions when we find ourselves thinking differently about the offender.

[24:27] Our thinking differently about them leads to treating them differently. That's only a natural consequence. Cooly, in a detached manner, we really don't mind being apart from them at all.

[24:52] If you don't mind being apart from them, you're already in trouble. If it doesn't bother you to be apart from them, something is already going on.

[25:14] If you look for reasons not to be together, I'm talking now about marriage, if you are married and you look for reasons not to be together with your mate, you should interpret that as a real danger sign.

[25:34] There is a reason why a man never hurries home. When he gets off work, why he has to stop in and have a few with the boys, why he's not eager to get home.

[25:50] And it may be on the other end, she doesn't particularly care that he doesn't hurry home because she's not all that anxious to see him anyway. Something is wrong with this picture.

[26:06] Not supposed to be that way. If husbands find reasons not to go home and wives find reasons for not really caring that he doesn't hurry home, you can be sure it is because of accumulated and unresolved offenses inflicted upon one another.

[26:28] And what very often happens when we are offended by something that our mate says or does we become defensive and we retaliate.

[26:41] We will throw a few darts and a few arrows and a few spears of our own. We do that out of what we perceive to be a self preservation.

[26:52] They offend us, they hurt us, we hurt them back. The old expression, you know, hurt people hurt people. And that's just a natural consequence. But again, that depends on your temperament.

[27:03] Now that's another whole issue that I'm not going to go into here. But some people will take an offense and take it and take it and take it and take it and take it.

[27:20] They have a tremendous threshold for emotional pain. And they just absorb a lot of punishment and a lot of offenses over a long period of time.

[27:33] That's because they are constituted the way they are. They may be very phlegmatic, but you're not going to get a cleric to do that because a cleric will fire back right away.

[27:45] They're not going to take anything. They all often let you have it back as much as you gave them. And what ends up is a big fight, big verbal contest.

[27:55] So the temperaments come into play. Some people respond with an offense with a knee-jerk reaction and they retaliate right away and you end up with a verbal sparring match.

[28:06] And others, they just kind of fade away and quietly lick their wounds someplace and go in the bedroom and have a big cry or something like that.

[28:17] That's just the difference in people. That's the way they're made. But at any rate, unresolved offenses leave us feeling radically different about this offender.

[28:30] Feeling a way we would never believe we could feel. I thought I loved him, but right now I hate him.

[28:42] That kind of thing. And it may be that way with employees. It may be that way with best friends. It may be that way with my best friend made a pass at my wife, that kind of thing, or at my husband.

[29:06] Think that will not affect the way you feel toward them? Of course you will. And the feeling seems to be all of a sudden, but it is only our becoming aware of it that is all of a sudden, because it has been building over time and went on unaddressed.

[29:26] This is true in the vast majority of cases. I'm talking about unresolved offenses over time. You see, what needs to be done is the offenses should be addressed when they occur, rather than allow them to accumulate.

[29:47] The old analogy of the buildup and the final straw that breaks the camel's back, there wouldn't be a final straw if all of the previous straws had been dealt with when they should have been dealt with, there wouldn't be any worry about a final straw.

[30:07] So why aren't they? The hardness of the heart, unwillingness, lack of courage, self-centeredness that keeps us from taking the initiative and implementing the God-given principle that is designed to restore the relationship.

[30:28] Sometimes when the offense occurs, neither the offended nor the offender ever bring it up. And this happens oh so often.

[30:42] Someone at work, a brother or sister, a mother or father, a child in the family, whatever, may say something or do something that really offends you.

[31:00] But you don't do anything about it. And the reasoning is this. Oh, just let things cool down and they'll cool down and they'll forget all about it and things will get back to normal and time will pass and time heals all wounds.

[31:17] We know that. So you don't have to do anything. And besides, if I brought it up, they wouldn't listen anyway. It would just be opening a can of worms and there'd be a big fight start all over again.

[31:33] So let sleeping dogs lie. Don't mention it. Don't say anything about it. Just let it pass and try to forget it. But you can't forget it. it is lodged there in your human spirit.

[31:47] And every time something happens to remind you of it, you relive that hurt. You relive that incident because it's there. It's never been removed.

[31:58] And you can't remove it. This is part of the problem. This is why so very often there is little real repair of the relationship because the offended one cannot remove the offense.

[32:23] If you could, you would. What do you do? Trust God to remove it? No. God says, I have already given you the principles you need for removing it.

[32:41] you need to implement the principles. I've already given you everything that you need. Who can remove the offense?

[32:53] The one who put it there. They're the only one who can. Well, what if they're not willing and they don't even care?

[33:05] The relationship remains injured. God is what usually happens. And it's sad. I can see this part and parcel for out in the world, but it ought not to be so in the body of Christ.

[33:22] We don't have any excuse for not implementing this. We've got all of these wonderful operating assets that God has made available to us at our disposal. and so often we are so stubborn that we're not even willing to put them into practice.

[33:40] That is shameful. Jesus Christ did not die on the cross so we could treat each other like that. We ought to be ashamed.

[33:54] If that's the case, we ought to be ashamed. And you know what shame is designed to do? Shame is designed coupled with guilt to lead us to repentance, changing our mind and backing it up with action.

[34:16] And this, as I mentioned to you last week, I think this is the essence of revival, of spiritual revival. I can't think of any more revivalistic kind of flavor or attitude.

[34:28] I can't think of any more characteristic revival. I'm talking about a genuine spiritual revival, the kind of which I've never been involved in, I've never experienced, and I think it is nothing more than believers relating to God as they should and relating to each other as they should.

[34:53] That's it. That's the formula for revival. I told you before, the only thing wrong with the world is the way people treat each other. Isn't it? And if everybody treated everybody the way that we're supposed to, we'd have a worldwide revival.

[35:08] But don't hold your breath. Why not? Because of the hardness of your heart. This is something we may do. It isn't something we have to do.

[35:22] But it is a wonderful, wonderful asset that has been provided for us. give it time. Things will get back to normal.

[35:33] They will forget about it after they cool off. Or I will forget about it. I'll just let it pass. Or how about this? Yes, they did hurt me.

[35:43] Yes, they really did offend me. But you know what? Am I going to go to them and talk to them about it? Not on your life. because I don't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing that they hurt me that much.

[36:01] Do you know what that is? That's pride. I don't want to let them know they got to me.

[36:14] So what happens? The rift continues. Because somebody is unwilling to swallow their pride, they allow the relationship to remain injured and the distance that is involved.

[36:31] All of these are tactics of avoidance and they are implemented very readily and nearly automatically. They avoid confrontation.

[36:42] We don't want confrontation. We don't want to go to somebody and say, can we talk about something?

[36:58] It's really hard. It makes us look weak. We don't want to look weak. Especially men don't want to look weak. So we'd rather just suck it up, stifle it, bury it, and go on resenting them.

[37:18] It can be real stinkers, you know that? Well, what is true friendship all about?

[37:29] I think it's about closeness, about being together with people.

[37:41] And it doesn't make any difference if we're talking about marriage, it's closeness. If we're talking about best friends, it's closeness. If we're talking about a buddy in a foxhole with you, it's closeness.

[37:57] that's what real friendship is all about. And the things that destroy real friendship are offenses that are unresolved.

[38:08] And before I conclude this, of course, the opposite of closeness is separateness, and that's what results when the offense is unresolved.

[38:19] But you know the icing on the cake, and I'm getting ahead of myself here, but I want you to realize that there is a silver lining to this cloud, and a wonderful rainbow, and positivism and optimism lying ahead because the beauty of a restored relationship is that it can be much better than it ever was, even before the offense occurred.

[38:52] That's something that God has provided in this wonderful way of restoration. Someone says, well, things can never be the same between us.

[39:03] That's true. They can be better. They can be even better. Well, what about the case of infidelity? How could that ever actually turn out to be better?

[39:17] Well, I've seen cases where it has actually had that effect. effect. That's because these things, these principles implemented with the grace of God can overcome obstacles as ugly and as hurtful as that.

[39:38] That's what the grace of God is capable of doing. But, it has to be unleashed. it has to be implemented.

[39:52] And that which implements it is our will. It is God's grace, but it is our will that activates it. And when Jesus said, well, Moses permitted you to give a writing of divorcement and put her away, only because of the hardness of your heart.

[40:15] That's another way of saying only because you would not implement the God-given principles for restoring a relationship. And you'd be impossible to live with.

[40:28] This is just the opposite of graciousness that is supposed to characterize a believer. But when we see these things as God-given, bite the bullet, call it eating crow, humble pie, whatever you want to call it, but be man enough, woman enough, to step up and say, you know what?

[40:50] This whole thing was my fault. I don't blame anybody but me. This is my bad. I was in the wrong here. I have no excuses.

[41:02] It was just stupid of me. I was acting out of line. When you repent and apologize, what you are doing is you are taking the offended person's cause to yourself and you are standing with them against yourself.

[41:25] How natural is that? Not very. That's supernatural. But God honors it.

[41:37] we are going to be looking at that incredible penitential psalm of David. Against thee, thee only have I sinned, O God, and done this wrong in thy sight.

[41:53] And he talks about a humble and a contrite heart thou wilt not despise. What a fabulous concept.

[42:05] God is looking for contrition. We'll explain that word and explore it and it is a wonderful concept. It makes you feel about that high.

[42:20] But you'll get over it. And it makes God greater than you've ever seen him or known him to be. And it has a wonderful, wonderful healing effect on relationships.

[42:35] what it does is it enables you to reach in and grab that spear and pull it out of the spirit of the person in which you placed it.

[42:45] And the arrow and the dart, you, and you are the only one. If you put them there, you're the only one that can remove them. And then when you remove them, the healing can begin.

[42:59] But nobody's going to heal with the object still in their spirit. You heal once it's pulled out and the wound closes over, then it can heal. And it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

[43:15] Father, we are truly thankful for these marvelous provisions that you've made for us. And there's so much about them that we don't understand. But we understand enough to know that your intention was that believers in the body of Christ repair and take the steps to repair injured relationships rather than allow the distancing and the separation and often the scrapping of the relationship to take place.

[43:49] We are so thankful for the incredible forgiveness demonstrated in the person of Jesus Christ Christ and what he did to make our forgiveness a reality.

[44:03] We ask that as we continue on through this content, you will use it to stir and stimulate and especially to encourage us into a new kind of spiritual and emotional flexibility flexibility that perhaps we didn't have before so that when when we see where we have been wrong we'll be willing to take those steps to correct it.

[44:34] That's our goal. And we trust that you will see us through this series and enable us to that conclusion. We pray in Christ's wonderful name. Amen.

[44:45] Now there may or may not be any questions or you may or may not want to ask them. We've got a few minutes so I'll entertain them. Anybody? In the back. Is there a mic back there?

[45:02] Okay, Steve. Marv, I guess what I wanted to point out was and I agree with everything you said there but it takes two to be aware of those principles and two to implement those principles for them to work.

[45:17] and it does have a universal application but if the other person doesn't see how that whole remedy works it may not have the same end result.

[45:34] No, I would disagree. You said it may not have the same result. It will not have that result and you are absolutely right and this is probably the greatest frustration that any marriage counselor has is that one partner is willing to take the steps that are necessary for reconciliation the other is not.

[46:01] And that's really sad. Somebody's got a stubborn heart and you can't you can only be responsible for your own heart and your own position.

[46:14] You unfortunately cannot condition the other person's heart and that's just a sad sad reality. I wish it were not like that but that's the way it is and both of them have a volition.

[46:27] So if you've got a hardness of heart on the part of any party married, brother or sister, relative, neighbor, whatever, if one of you is willing and the other is hardened of heart, that's why most relationships that are injured are not fixed because somebody wasn't willing.

[46:49] Don't want to talk about it. You hurt me too much. That too is pride speaking and a stubbornness of heart. It's just a sad reality but it's you're right.

[47:02] You're right. Other comments or questions? And by the way, let me say this while we're talking about this.

[47:16] Very often you realize what we're talking about has so many ins and outs and complexities and exceptions and whatnot but very often when someone is unwilling, why are they unwilling?

[47:37] It may be just plain old stubbornness but what was it that brought them to that point of stubbornness? Very often it is an accumulation of guess what?

[47:51] Unresolved offenses. I don't know how many times marriage counselors have had to say this to a couple. I don't know how many times jillions I'll bet across the world.

[48:04] Boy, why didn't you see someone about this years ago? So often they wait sometimes for years years and years and all the while the injury is going on and increasing the distancing is getting greater and greater as time goes on but neither one or sometimes one will and one won't make a move to address the issues and to get help.

[48:38] And what happens during that interim is the offenses keep piling on and they get more and they get more and they get more. And you know something? The more we are offended by someone the easier it is for them to offend us.

[48:55] Think about that. Because the more we are offended for someone the more you get it in for them. And the more you get it in for them guess what?

[49:07] Everything they do offends you. Everything they do is wrong. Because you're coming from that backdrop of accumulated offenses. That's what you're building on.

[49:17] That's what's stuck there in your spirit. And that's the grid through which you see them. So nothing they do is right. I was amused recent president George Bush while he was in office.

[49:36] I don't think there's a man since Abraham Lincoln that took as much vitriol and bitterness and slander and everything else as George Bush.

[49:47] And it was just amazing the vitriol and the invective that was heaped upon that man in office. And I heard him being interviewed. I think it was Sean Hannity and he was talking about his book and he said that he had some reservation about the book about the title of the book.

[50:06] And he said well you called it decision points. He says yes that's what I ended up calling it was decision points. He said but I was tempted to call it something else. And the guy said what was it?

[50:17] He said I was tempted to title it how I served in the office of president for eight years and didn't do one thing right. And you know something?

[50:30] When you get it in for somebody and here's this politics it works the same way. You see offenses are offenses whether they're political romantic workplace neighborhood whatever offenses are offenses and they hurt.

[50:44] And when you get it in for somebody nothing they do is right. Even the way they even the way they hold their fork is stupid is wrong.

[50:57] Everything is wrong. Everything about them is wrong. That's what unresolved offenses do. They make enemies out of people who ought not to be. Anybody else? Comment or question?

[51:08] Yes. Joanne up here. Would you bring the mic up here please? We're going to get you some roller blades. Roger. when I taught little people years ago five-year-olds and maybe somebody would give an elbow or grab a crayon and so I would say to them that you need to say you're sorry.

[51:36] Well it was pretty easy to flip off I'm sorry like that. So I decided that maybe that wasn't the way to go. So we had a little table in the back with a couple chairs and I'd say you go back and talk this over when you're ready to come and join the group.

[51:55] I need you to say will you forgive me for whatever the offense was? Will you forgive me for taking your blue crayon? And then shake hands and then the other person should say yes I will forgive you.

[52:14] So I'm not sure always what the little conversation was but I would begin to see little smiles on the face and a shaking of the hands and then they come back and sit with the group.

[52:25] But there was something different about just saying I'm sorry or saying will you forgive me please. Oh my yes. Thank you Joanne.

[52:35] That's priceless wisdom and we're going to be covering this. That is really really powerful. We can be so glib and say well if I said or did anything that offended you I'm sorry okay.

[52:49] And we just want to pull out this big blanket of apology that just covers everything you know. And I'll tell you one thing fellows with the ladies that won't cut it.

[53:05] They want details. details. They want details. They want to make sure you got it. And the only way they can make sure is you spell it out.

[53:18] Oh you're offended for what? Just what was it you did? And you grovel and you know here comes the jerk factor.

[53:31] Anybody else and then we'll have to close. Thank you for those comments and Joanne that was boy if that worked with five year olds it ought to work with adults but sometimes it doesn't.

[53:45] Anyone else with a comment or question? Well in that case I'm going to cut you loose. You are free to go home or go wherever.

[53:56]  Thank you for being here. Have a great day.