Marriage on the Rock 05

[0:00] Welcome to Marriage on the Rock. Here's Marv Wiseman.

[0:11] Why the unhealed wounds? Part 1. Here at the outset of another CD, we wish to reassert a very important principle, one that is usually overlooked by both partners who may be involved in a stressful marriage.

[0:28] Often, both mates know their marriage isn't what it should be, isn't what they want it to be, and it isn't what it once was, but they can't quite put their finger on why that is.

[0:42] Very often, neither is willing to even talk about it. Still, it troubles them because they know things aren't right. Instead of feeling more intense toward their mate romantically, they feel less so.

[0:58] Instead of wanting to be with them more than ever, that desire has lessened as well. Instead of relishing and anticipating what the future holds for both of them as they proceed in their relationship, it's kind of ho-hum.

[1:14] It might be accurate to say, the thrill is gone. They may even regard that to be normal. After all, shouldn't you expect the thrill to be gone after several years of marriage?

[1:29] No, you shouldn't. And you shouldn't be willing to settle for an absent thrill either. So what's happened? Why is the old zing of the heart gone?

[1:41] Well, there are perhaps multiple reasons, but we want you to seriously consider the culprit to be what we are emphasizing in these segments of Marriage on the Rock.

[1:53] It's offenses, wounds, hurts, darts, arrows, perhaps spears. These are the emotional projectiles we have hurled into the psyche and spirit of our mate.

[2:10] At the same time, we may be carrying around our own share of darts, arrows, and spears they have launched at us. What has happened in the psyche and spirit of both parties since they were wounded by their mate with those different size projectiles?

[2:30] Well, the wounds are still there. In fact, the emotional projectiles are still lodged in the very place where their mate inflicted them. There has been no healing.

[2:43] The projectiles haven't even been removed. They're still there. Why haven't they healed? It may have been a long time, perhaps even years since those wounds were inflicted.

[2:56] One would think the mere passing of time would have healed them by now. But time alone doesn't heal all the emotional wounds caused by the darts, the arrows, and the spears from the offender.

[3:10] Why not? And if time alone doesn't heal our emotional wounds, what is it that does? Our wounds can be healed, can't they?

[3:22] Indeed they can, and we are so grateful. Now we are starting to get down the business. Enter the biblical healing we so desperately need upcoming. A marriage on the rock is entirely too desirable and available not to pursue it.

[3:38] And we want to aid you in your pursuit of it. Why are there unhealed wounds?

[3:51] Part 2 All married partners say and do things that hurt our mate. We call these offenses. And receiving wounds and inflicting wounds, yes, even upon those we dearly love, is part of our fallen humanity.

[4:08] And, no, Christians are not somehow incapable of hurting one another. There's no question about it. Our ability to hurt one another, to offend one another by unkind things we say and do, is abundantly apparent.

[4:22] This reality we must accept. We blow it sometimes. Really mess up in the way we hurt one another. What, then, is the result of that hurt or those hurts?

[4:33] Emotional distancing. Moving a little further apart emotionally. Emotional closeness is compromised. Think of it as a barrier also.

[4:45] Distance can be a barrier. And because of the distance created between the two of you by these offenses committed, your mate isn't as emotionally available.

[4:57] Nor do you want them to be. Why is that? It's the hurt. The pain. When we experience emotional pain via someone's offending us, we don't relish the idea of being near that person.

[5:10] Maybe we not only emotionally don't want to be near, but even physically we may not want to be near one another. Keep your emotional distance from that which hurts you.

[5:22] Happens all the time when lovers have a spat. What caused the spat? Same thing as always. Someone said or did something that hurt. Ergo?

[5:34] Get out of my sight. Or, I'll be leaving now. Or, why don't you just go? Those are the most common rejoinders to the inflicted dart, arrow, or spear.

[5:46] This has got to be fixed. How can we fix it? Well, you just wait and the passing of time will heal that wound. No, it won't.

[5:57] It will lessen the pain, but the wound will remain. Time alone will not do it. Well then, from whence comes real genuine, wonderful healing?

[6:08] It comes via a process that needs to be implemented. It may originate with the offender or with the offended, but there are definite and deliberate steps that need to be taken.

[6:22] Each one will be thoroughly explained, and you will soon see why so many relationships are in disarray, and some continue in downright ongoing pain.

[6:32] These steps were never taken, maybe never even realized, but they are so very essential. And here they are. Please listen up. If you get this, you will have the healing elixir, the panacea for wounded relationships.

[6:48] And there are seven. Here they are. These are God's steps for healing offenses.

[7:06] Ignore them, and the wounds fester while the relationship widens. These principles are wonderful, and we will explain each of them. If your mate can join you, the treat will be doubled.

[7:17] You will see. Step 1 Toward Healing Wounds, Part 1 We're talking about information.

[7:32] Information consists of data, facts, or content. The dictionary calls it knowledge acquired in any manner. And here, at this point of information, is where the healing process begins.

[7:47] We are assuming that an offender has hurt, wounded someone by something they said or did. So let's think in terms of a husband offending his wife.

[7:59] And I choose to use that analogy because being a man and a husband, I am most familiar with it. She is hurt. She may also be very angry.

[8:09] Could I, her husband, possibly be unaware of that? Yes. Could I be clueless I have hurt her? Yes. All males of the human species have to contend with what we call the clod factor.

[8:27] Or, as some would say, the jerk factor. And any man who denies that he has been infected with the clod or jerk gene has a different problem.

[8:38] So, man, if you have offended and hurt your wife by something you did or said, don't compound the problem with denial. You are part of humanity.

[8:49] And this means that we men are all possessors of the clod and jerk factor. Now, the truth is, women have this factor as part of their makeup also. And this is how women can wound men with their offenses.

[9:04] Still, the ladies can't compete with the male version. We men have the corner on clodishness and jerkishness. We men, and I speak from experience, can be so clueless and insensitive towards femininity, we are able to offend, even deeply hurt our mate, without even realizing we have done it.

[9:25] We need to be informed. We have committed an offense. And this is information. And it is no small item. In fact, information is essential before an offense can ever be dealt with.

[9:40] One might think that we automatically know when we have offended or wounded our wife by something we said or did. But not always. Our insensitivity to their hurt comes from our male jerk factor.

[9:53] An awareness that we have offended her, however we come by it, is what we call information. I hope you can really get a handle on this concept because it is the very first step toward effecting a genuine reconciliation between a husband and wife when an offense has been committed.

[10:14] An offense that threatens the quality and stability of the marriage. And because so much is at stake, the difference between harmony and disharmony, we are going to break this down piecemeal, bit by bit, so we can leave no stone unturned.

[10:33] And we begin with this critical concept of information because nothing in a threatened relationship can be fixed without it.

[10:44] Information comes through two sources, internal and external, or sometimes both. Please stay with us. This is super important.

[10:55] Upcoming. Step one toward healing emotional wounds.

[11:06] Part two. When a husband and wife are experiencing disharmony in their relationship, it is invariably due to someone saying or doing something that hurt and offended the other.

[11:17] And it may very well have been both ways, and each party was both the offended and the offender. Or it may have been one way with the possibility that the one offending the other party is not even aware they've done so.

[11:31] This is where the concept for what we call information arises. This is nothing more than an awareness or understanding that we offended the other party.

[11:41] And by information, we mean the offender knows or understands he has committed an offense. Very often, we know that almost as soon as we said or did what we did.

[11:53] And very frequently, it's obvious that we offended them because they may retaliate by offending us in return. At any rate, that's information. They just clued us in by their rapid response to our offense.

[12:05] That we offended them is quite clear by the fact that they responded in kind. And this is information and they provided it. So we call this external information.

[12:16] It's external in that the information came from outside yourself. That is, it came from them. And usually, this is then very emphatic information.

[12:27] They want to make sure we got the message. So even if a guy is insensitive and using the jerk factor, she leaves no doubt that we have offended. But what if she doesn't retaliate in an obvious way, like verbally responding with an offense of her own?

[12:44] Suppose she gives you the silent treatment. It's very quiet around the house all evening. And she is cool and aloof. And suppose you ask her, what's wrong?

[12:56] She responds curtly with, nothing. Well, something's bothering you. I can tell. What is it? Nothing. Actually, she isn't helping.

[13:07] And she doesn't particularly want to be helping. She may be even further offended by the fact that you are clueless. So what do we do now? You're looking for external information.

[13:20] That is, information from her to let you know what's wrong. But she's not providing it. So to obtain internal information, that is, information from within yourself, you need only mentally replay what was said or done between the two of you for the past several hours.

[13:36] Think about what you were talking about or doing. And odds are you'll come upon something you said or did. And that will be your aha moment. It will also be internal information.

[13:48] It's internal because you figured it out in your own mind rather than it coming from her. What is critical is that you came upon the information, the data, the facts.

[13:59] And that's external from her or internal from within yourself. The point is, the issue cannot begin to be addressed until this information is available and recognized.

[14:12] Many in a marital conflict like this do not even search for the information. What do they do? Nothing. But they wait and hope that whatever it was blows over and things can get back to normal.

[14:26] This is a very common but big mistake. We will explain why this is upcoming. Step 1 Toward Healing Emotional Wounds Part 3 We have identified information as the very first step that must be taken before a rift, a difference, an offense, or hurt between a husband and wife can be truly resolved.

[14:56] Actually, it's true between others as well, not only husbands and wives. And the same applies in all other relationships. But many times, instead of gaining the information, whether it comes from the other party as external information or is arrived at within your own mind as internal information, both parties often go silent.

[15:18] The offended one doesn't inform the offender they have been offended, and the offender doesn't inquire. Each may fear doing so may just escalate the matter.

[15:30] Each prefers to say nothing and allow the cooling-off period of time to kind of resolve itself. But it doesn't. It doesn't because the issue has not been dealt with, but merely ignored, swept under the rug.

[15:45] It takes a lot more courage to address the issue and seek information that will enable it to be resolved than it does to just ignore it and act like it never happened.

[15:57] That is the coward's way out. And we all have some coward in us, don't we? Still, pretending nothing happened is no help at all, and the offense remains in place and unaddressed.

[16:11] If information, as the very first step, is never obtained, where does that leave the steps that are to follow information? They're short-circuited. They're never implemented.

[16:22] They simply can't happen because the very first step has been omitted. Consequently, you can't get to second base if you never got the first. This explains why so many differences between people, especially husbands and wives, never do get resolved.

[16:40] They get shelved, warehoused in our mind and spirit. But they aren't doing nothing while they're on our mental shelf. They can be replayed in our mind, and with the replay and recall to remembrance, they can easily grow into resentment toward the offender.

[17:00] And the resentment grows into bitterness. If this methodology is consistently followed, an entire collection of accumulated offenses, leading to a compounded of resentments, which lead to compounded bitterness, can consume the individual emotionally.

[17:18] Even to the point of taking drastic action. In a marriage, this can lead to separation or divorce, or even worse, physical assault and physical abuse.

[17:31] How did things ever get to that level? Unresolved offenses. That's how. Issues that were never addressed because they were never identified with the critical first step of discovery we call information.

[17:44] You cannot treat or resolve what has not even been identified as the problem. And that's what information does. It gets the problem on the table where it can be recognized and subjected to real resolution.

[17:59] Only when you get the first base can you proceed the second. We need to see how gaining this essential information paves the way for a true effective resolution.

[18:10] Step 1. Toward Healing Emotional Wounds Part 4 If information, that is, an awareness on the part of the offender, is so critical, and it is, Why would not both the offended and the offender be quick to get the information out in the open so that both may work toward a resolution?

[18:36] It's because very often anger clouds the judgment of the one offended, and they do not inform, and there's information again, the offender that they have been hurt.

[18:47] But why would they withhold that information? Some have admitted they never told their spouse they had been hurt because they didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing that they hurt them.

[18:58] They did not want the offender to know he had gotten to them to that extent. So do you see what's taking place here? Through withholding information? In reality, the offended party, by not informing the offender that they were hurt, actually becomes part of the problem.

[19:16] They are sabotaging any effort that might be made toward a resolution. This makes the offended one actually complicit in the conflict because in their pride, they don't want to admit their mates succeeded in hurting them.

[19:33] Ah, yes, these are the wrinkles that make the resolving of issues so complicated. Both offender and the offended can struggle with issues of pride and the ego, and this doesn't make a resolution any easier, but actually it's merely an obstacle worth overcoming to get to the needed resolution.

[19:54] If the offender doesn't realize he has hurt his mate and she refuses to inform him, she still can't avoid the resentment she will have in her spirit, and this resentment will affect her attitude and the way she relates to him, even if subtly so.

[20:11] Keeping the offender in the dark and not informing him of his offense prevents him from taking the next necessary step to resolve the whole matter, because without information, he has nothing to process.

[20:24] This is why we say information is so critical. The offender must get it from some source, whether internal arising from his own reasoning and reflection, or external from another source, most often from the person offended.

[20:40] It may even be a combination of external and internal. And let me explain. A man may hurt and offend his wife without actually realizing it. She doesn't verbally tell him she was hurt, but she shows it by her aloofness and silence.

[20:54] Her body language tells him she is peeved about something. What could it be? He has received external information from her attitude.

[21:05] This causes him to reflect and replay in his own mind their conversations over the recent past and what might have upset her. And as he ponders things that were said, he mentally comes upon a, uh-oh, I bet that's what it was.

[21:21] And he's probably right. Now he has a combination of internal information and external information. Now it's time to get the work. Having adequate information, now he is ready to take the next step, which would have been impossible without that vital information that is always step one.

[21:39] And now, step two. If you think step one was hard, this is the hardest of all. Are you ready for this upcoming? Upcoming? Spiritual Navy SEALS We warned you in our previous session about the necessity of having information available for the offending one to process before he could implement step two, which is admittedly much more difficult.

[22:09] This step two will separate the men from the boys and the girls from the women. In fact, this step two is so difficult, it's where many will wash out spiritually.

[22:22] They just don't have what it takes. One of America's most courageous and effective fighting forces is known as the Navy SEALs. It's unbelievable what these men must undergo to graduate as a bona fide member of this elite military unit.

[22:38] In fact, it is so demanding and rigorous that most who apply for membership as a Navy SEAL cannot endure all that's required and they wash out, leaving only the hardiest of the hardy to complete the requirements.

[22:53] Step two in our consideration of resolving offenses is along the same principle. Most people listening to this content, especially men, will not have what it takes to deal successfully with step number two.

[23:09] In fact, only a small percentage, even among believers, will be able to fulfill the requirements of step two. And this is precisely why so many offenses and hurts go unresolved.

[23:21] This is how and why husbands and wives who do love each other, yet still have lots of negative baggage between them accumulated from their relationship.

[23:32] It may be a product of a few months of marriage or often after decades of marriage, and they do love each other, yet their love is not nearly all they would have it be.

[23:44] There is warehoused away in their spirits a host of unresolved offenses for which resentment remains. And this resentment factor is real, and it's there, even while they are smiling at each other and saying nice things to one another.

[24:02] Why is it still there? Because it's never been dealt with, never actually resolved. Both were willing to just let it slide, don't bring it up, give it a rest, don't open a can of worms, let bygones be bygones.

[24:16] Are we overstating this? Are we making mountains out of bowhills? Well, we are if you don't have any issues that you can easily remember that hurt you. And if you do, you won't have to think very long about it before it pops to the surface.

[24:32] If you have none, you are either married to a mate who has never hurt you, or issues and hurts you did have have all been effectively resolved, in which case you are a wonderfully blessed mate and in an extreme minority.

[24:49] But if there are those hurtful unresolved issues from which you still feel pain, then you cannot avoid nor deny the tinge of resentment that stems from having been hurt.

[25:00] And that is a barrier. A barrier to the kind of closeness you want to your mate. How can you have that? Is that what you truly want? Or are you willing to settle for what you've got?

[25:12] Either way, you will want to consider this super-difficult Step 2 we've talked about. It's a spiritual kind of Navy SEAL. It's tough, and only the spiritually tough can handle it.

[25:24] Repentance. Repentance. Are you up to this?

[25:35] We have made the effort to advise and warn listeners about the difficulty of Step 2 that follows the information gained in Step 1 of resolving offenses. Step 2 is not merely difficult, but impossible for the flesh to implement.

[25:52] Only dependence and walking in the power of the Holy Spirit can possibly accomplish this. It's in Galatians 5 where we are reminded if we walk or operate in the power of the Holy Spirit, we will not fulfill the desires of the flesh.

[26:08] What flesh and spirit each produce are listed in this chapter. The flesh is filled with all manner of pride, ego, and a thoroughgoing, self-centered agenda.

[26:21] And this is precisely where all Christians are if they are not operating according to the God-enabling power of the Holy Spirit. And yes, this is even true of Christians that we would all label as nice people.

[26:36] What passes off as a nice person may be, in reality, thoroughly self-centered. Christians not walking in the power of the Spirit are walking in the weakness of the flesh.

[26:49] It's the only thing left to them, and there is no middle ground. You and your volition determine to which you will yield yourself. Repentance is such a monumental step that only the Spirit of God can handle it.

[27:04] The flesh is never up to it and never can be. And this is because repentance is based upon coming into truth, and the flesh will have none of that.

[27:16] Repentance is the crown jewel of biblical Christianity. It is the linchpin or the pivot point on which so much hinges, even once personal salvation is intimately connected to repentance.

[27:30] We have described it as being so difficult to do that many turn away from it. Almost all non-Christians want nothing to do with repentance when they first hear the gospel message.

[27:42] And contrary to what many Christians think, repentance is not merely something people must do in order to be saved, but it's an ongoing necessity for one who has already become a believer.

[27:53] Repentance is for practicing Christians. It is safe to say, rather essential to say, a believer never outgrows his need for repentance.

[28:05] And here is why. The word repent literally means to change the mind. It means you no longer cling to a position you formerly held, but you have changed your mind, and now you have embraced a new and different position.

[28:19] It not only involves learning, but involves the more difficult concept of unlearning. But what is the rationale for anyone changing their mind or repenting about anything?

[28:34] That's information, remember? The disclosure of information that shows us we have been wrong about something requires us to repent.

[28:46] And when we do, we change our mind. Repentance means the changing of the mind. Listen, this stuff is vital.

[28:57] Absolutely vital. You will see. An Introduction to Repentance Part 2 The word repent in its basic meaning is simply, change the mind.

[29:17] Change the mind about what? About anything that you need to change your mind about. And why should you change your mind? What would convince you that you need to?

[29:28] The answer is, information. Facts. Remember step one, nothing happens till information from some source, whether internal or external, is provided?

[29:39] The content of that information may confirm the position you already hold. In that case, there's no need to change your mind. But if that information received reveals to you that the position you have been holding is wrong, then you need to change your position or change your mind about it.

[29:58] That's repentance. Refusal to change your mind, even when the new information proves you wrong, means you are unrepentant. But who wants to acknowledge that something they believe is wrong?

[30:13] Nobody I know. Why is that? We all have egos. It does the ego no good to say, I have been wrong, and I need to change my mind.

[30:24] I need to reverse myself. This makes us look weak and vulnerable, and we don't like it. The flesh and its pride rebels at the very thought of repenting.

[30:35] What all does repentance apply to? It applies to everything that is believed or held to be true, but upon further information and discovery, we know it is not true. Then repentance is called for.

[30:47] Repentance always conveys the idea of changing a position or conviction previously held, but upon the discovery of new information, it is proven to be wrong, in error.

[31:00] So, in repenting, we move from error to what information reveals is truth. Anyone walking in the flesh will never want to do this.

[31:11] Not only is this true of all unbelievers, it is also true of Christians who may be in the flesh as well. The flesh feeds on error and abhors the truth.

[31:22] The spirit feeds on truth and abhors error. This principle of repentance applies to all of life, especially the Christian life. We may tend to think of it as evangelistically focused, and it does involve evangelism, but it's much broader than that.

[31:39] It involves changing one's mind to reject previously held error that information reveals to be error, and embracing what that information reveals as truth.

[31:52] Everyone, believers in particular, should always be ready to repent, to change their mind upon hearing information that informs them they are wrong about something that they believe.

[32:03] There should be a ready eagerness to walk away from error and embrace truth whenever we are able to see and identify the truth, and doing so is repentance. Refusal to do so, even when confronted with truth that reveals our error, is unrepentance.

[32:20] Whether discussing marriage or evangelism, the most dangerous thing anyone can do is to be informed of truth, recognize it to be truth, and refuse to change our mind about our error.

[32:31] This can be fatal to a marriage. Worse still, it can be disastrous regarding one's salvation and eternal destiny. An Introduction to Repentance, Part 3 We have discussed repentance and its needy application across the broad spectrum of life.

[32:54] But now, let's see how repentance plays out in a marriage situation where hurt feelings or conflict exists due to the offense of what one's mate said or did. Suppose you, the listener, are a husband who has offended your wife, wounding her by something you said or did.

[33:12] And I use the analogy of you being the husband simply because I, as a husband, married for nearly 50 years, can readily identify. But we all know it works both ways, and the principal offender to whom I am speaking may be a wife as well as a husband.

[33:29] No matter. The principal is the same. Now then, you as the husband and the offending party have become aware that you have committed a wounding offense.

[33:40] Information, whether provided by your wife herself as external information, or you arrived at it on your own as internal information, either way, you have step one in place, information.

[33:53] Now, what are you going to do with that information? And, oh, by the way, it's immaterial that she may have hurt you also by her retaliation with some offenses of her own.

[34:05] And the reason it's immaterial is because you, the offender, cannot process information, reach a conclusion, and act on it for her.

[34:16] You can only do that for yourself. You are in charge only of your volition, not hers. And if you're operating from the flesh, your first response may well be to deny the offense, or at least say, well, she shouldn't have been offended, or she had it coming and I only told it like it was, or, so what if I did offend her?

[34:39] She's offended me plenty of times too. Or, I'll admit my offense if she will admit hers first. I'm not going to go crawling to her. These are all predictable responses of the believer in the flesh.

[34:52] Admit nothing. Dig your heels in. Don't change your mind about what you said or did. Be unrepentant. Stick by your guns. This is the very easiest thing to do. And it's the game plan that most offenders follow.

[35:06] It's the way of the flesh. It's filled with self, self-preservation, self-justification, face-saving of the ego. Your response would be with the majority.

[35:17] And, for many people, being in the majority matters more than being right. And, by the way, if you go that route, you just washed out of the spiritual Navy SEALS team.

[35:30] This very issue, and the very response of the flesh, is precisely the reason offenses remain unresolved and take such a regrettable toll on not only marriage relationships, but relationships in general.

[35:43] People who do not have their hurts addressed by the one who hurt them remain hurt. That shouldn't surprise us. It would surprise us if they didn't. And the remaining wounds, whether by darts, arrows, or spears, are firmly fixed in our spirits where the offender hurled them.

[35:59] Time doesn't make the hurt heal. The process that could have ended in resolution ends in emotional separation between the offended and the offender.

[36:10] It's called unrepentance, a refusal to change one's mind, a relationship killer. Introduction to Repentance, Part 4 We are attempting to exaggerate the importance of repentance and don't believe it can be done.

[36:33] Repentance is so important, the lack of it can destroy marriage and other relationships. Repentance is so critical, the absence of it will keep one out of heaven.

[36:44] It's all about changing one's mind. Since we all began our life as a person in need of salvation, salvation was simply not available to anyone who would not change their mind.

[36:56] We had to change our mind from thinking salvation was available through our good works, good intentions, or whatever other good we thought, to the belief that salvation was only through Jesus Christ and what He did for us.

[37:08] That's repentance. That's the changing of the mind. But repentance doesn't involve salvation alone. It refers to anything one changes one's mind about.

[37:19] It needn't have anything to do with spiritual or religious issues. It's only because this is the context in which repentance is generally used that we think it's limited to that. In essence, repentance is not a religious word per se.

[37:33] It is merely a word describing the abandoning of a position once held in favor of a new position. And that's what everyone does when they repent. But why would anyone do that?

[37:45] Because of information. In the case of a spiritual usage, the information consists of the gospel, the good news about God loving you and Christ dying for your sin to save you.

[37:57] The gospel is all about information. Information not previously known is news, and the gospel is good news. And when it is given out, it provides people with a reason and a need to repent.

[38:11] Thus, it's the first step toward being saved upon hearing the information contained in the gospel. Now, how does repentance play out in the context of marriage?

[38:23] Well, when you have offended and hurt your wife by some unkind word or deed, she may have let you know you hurt her by telling you, or by body language, or by the silent treatment, or by their absence from the room, followed after what you said or did.

[38:40] That's information. It's information you need to work with. Now, what are you going to do with it? You have options. Option number one, do nothing.

[38:52] Give it time, wait it out, and things will soon get back to normal after she cools down. So you tell yourself. This is the way of the common coward, and all of us husbands are very familiar with it.

[39:06] Because this allows us to save face and protect our priceless male ego. This is usually our first choice. But it's the wrong one. This has flesh written all over it.

[39:18] Option number two is by far the hardest thing to do. And didn't we tell you this was really, really tough? This is the Navy SEAL stuff of which we spoke earlier.

[39:30] We process the information, and we know they were really hurt. Can we set our ego aside? Assume responsibility for saying hurtful things to the woman we love? Assume responsibility because it's the right thing to do?

[39:44] It's called repentance, or the changing of our mind. It is tough, but it pays off in golden dividends. Hang with us, and you will see. Introduction to Repentance, Part 5 Every man since Adam, and the only exception being the one called the last Adam, who was Jesus Christ, has had to deal with a self-centered ego in the scourge of our human pride.

[40:16] Not a one of us has escaped it. Not even those pious souls we think to be super saints. This ego and pride thing is systemic to the entirety of humanity.

[40:28] And yes, it also includes the ladies. Yet, there are few of the feminine sort that are any match for the egos embedded in us males. We guys have sculpted egotism into an art form.

[40:42] Oh sure, there are selfish, self-centered women as well. The Jezebels and Delilahs have always been around forever. Yet, there is something about maleness and the macho man that makes most women pale by comparison when it comes to the ego thing.

[40:58] Let's be really clear here. I'm explaining and admitting, if you will, this weakness of us men. Male pride. And while many men are, shall we say, proud of their pride, it's the stuff that always goes before the fall, and it has the fallenness of our old Adamic flesh written all over it.

[41:20] There is nothing of the spirit in self-centered male pride, or of female pride for that manner. So, please hear me now. This is super important and possesses life-changing capability.

[41:35] This pride, of which many are proud, is that which prevents men from repenting. Remember, repentance is the changing of your mind when information tells you you have been wrong and need to change your mind.

[41:50] But this is not compatible with walking in the flesh. The flesh, the male ego, finds it excruciatingly painful to ever admit to being wrong about anything.

[42:03] Why? Well, we feel it makes us look inadequate, lacking confidence, not in charge, loss of self-esteem, embarrassed, and other negatives all men don't want to think applies to them.

[42:16] We wrongly think that admitting we were wrong will cause others to think less of us, possibly, possibly even think us to be truly human with limitations. Perish the thought.

[42:29] The bottom line fed to us by the flesh is don't admit anything. Don't let them see you sweat. Stick to your guns. Stay the course. Dig in your heels and stand your ground.

[42:40] Flaunt your manhood. This is all flesh, and it's to be expected from non-believers because it's all they have to work with. But for those who name the name of Christ, this fleshly attitude is pure poison to a loving relationship, to any relationship, marriage, work, or community.

[43:02] As incredible as it is, many men, even Christians, have bought the warped notion that admitting wrong and changing our mind and position is a sign of weakness, and no manly man can entertain that idea for a moment.

[43:17] Such a man has been hoodwinked. Understanding this and how it works could be a positive and defining moment in somebody's life. Let's see if it might be you. Please pursue this with us.

[43:30] Next. Next. Introduction to Repentance Part 6 Repentance is such a key and important concept that it deserves a finely tuned explanation.

[43:48] It, like no other concept, can be described as God's silver bullet toward turning everything around. It does literally mean turning one's position around or the changing of one's mind.

[44:02] The only rationale for ever reversing oneself on a position previously held is because we have received information that contradicts our previously held position and we need to abandon our earlier held idea to embrace its opposite.

[44:20] We have described this as a very difficult thing to do, one of the most distasteful things one can contemplate, especially if we are loaded up on ego.

[44:32] And this is the very reason repentance is little implemented. Just for clarification, don't limit the word repentance to an act involving personal salvation exclusively.

[44:45] Repentance means to change one's mind about anything, not necessarily something religious. repentance was a commonly used word long before John the Baptist came on the scene preaching repentance to the nation of Israel.

[45:00] It wasn't a specially made word to attach to salvation, but was in place as a common everyday word that simply meant to change one's mind about anything.

[45:12] Its association with spiritual issues and usage causes many to relegate it to a prerequisite for salvation, which it is, but don't confine it to that.

[45:24] Whether used in a secular or spiritual setting, there was and is always one reason to repent. You discovered you were wrong. Information you received proved to you that you were wrong.

[45:39] And if you are big enough to admit it and then reverse yourself and admit you were wrong, you have repented. Now, do you see why this is not done very frequently?

[45:52] It is distasteful and painful to the ego to admit I was wrong. I now see that I was wrong and I need to change my mind about my previously held position.

[46:08] For the ego-driven, which most of us are, we hate this. It makes us feel bad and look bad. Who wants that? This is eating humble pie.

[46:22] People with large egos don't do humble pie. Another term of humiliation related to the depression years of the 1920s when many could not afford chicken, such were humiliated and suffered from punctured pride and deflated egos when they were said to eat crow.

[46:42] Crow is a far cry from chicken and all this points to overtime activity of the flesh, not the spirit. This unrepentant attitude so prevalent in so many is the stuff that injures and ends relationships, especially marriages.

[47:01] Let's stay on this till it puts our egos where they belong, under domination by the spirit. Repentance is the gateway to apology.

[47:18] It would seem that everybody knows what an apology is, but not many truly know what repentance is. Oh, they've heard the term, but for most its real meaning escapes them.

[47:30] And when people hear the word repent, they may think of a nerdy, fanatical, flaky little guy walking around with a sandwich board hanging over his shoulders that has printed on it the message, Repent!

[47:43] The end of the world is near! And, of course, all the passers-by get an amusing chuckle from this seemingly poor misguided messenger. There is a real tragedy in this scene, however.

[47:57] The passers-by think it's quite funny to actually see someone declaring the end of the world. And who can count the times those in past years proclaimed a doomsday coming soon that never happened?

[48:10] Ho-hum! Just dismiss the whole scene as an oddity, nothing but another crackpot. The problem is, and this is truly a tragedy, they dismiss repent along with the message of the world soon ending.

[48:27] The word repent deserves far better consideration than that. Guess what? Repentance is an ongoing need we all have, regardless of how the world is going or when it seems to be on the brink.

[48:44] If ever there were a case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, dismissing repentance along with dismissing the oddity of the doomsdayers is it. This is an incredibly valuable word.

[48:59] It isn't often used and less often practiced because people, even Christian people, know little of its actual meaning. Repentance is in place and, in fact, is actually utilized every time you discover you have been wrong about something, anything.

[49:19] And as a result of your discovery, you change your mind. That's repentance. It is not an easy thing to do. Repent.

[49:30] This is why it isn't done very often, especially when involving a moral issue, as in some sin we would like to justify or maintain. Doing so means we are unrepentant.

[49:45] Paul the Apostle should be consulted. You'll find him in Acts chapter 17. When we read the context, and especially verse 30, you'll get the point and the connection with information.

[49:59] Here's what Paul had to say in Acts chapter 17 and beginning with verse 30. Therefore, having overlooked the times of ignorance, God is now declaring to men that all, everywhere, should repent.

[50:16] Because he has fixed a day in which he will judge the world in righteousness through a man whom he has appointed, having furnished proof to all men by raising him from the dead.

[50:31] Paul, the Apostle, simply delivered information, information that many of these people had not heard before, and upon hearing it, they changed their mind.

[50:44] They repented. Introduction to Repentance Part 8 We have labored to explain the meaning of the very critical term repent.

[51:01] Of late, it is a word mistakenly thought to mean do-penance. Repentance is not some sort of self-punishment or chastising oneself with fasting or deprivation, or by denying oneself certain foods or activities.

[51:17] None of those even come close to the meaning of repent. The word means change the mind. For instance, when people hear the gospel preached, they are receiving information.

[51:28] The information of the gospel tells them their good works, their church, their baptism, and their good intentions will never enable them to be saved. So if that's what they are thinking and have always believed, they are wrong.

[51:41] They desperately need to change their mind because they are wrong. The new information contained in the gospel contradicts that previously held position because it's wrong.

[51:54] So, repent therefore, change your mind, and turn your back on what you wrongly believed before, and believe the good news of the gospel. This is why no one can be saved without repenting or changing their mind.

[52:08] And this is because whatever they believed before they heard the truth of the gospel, whatever it was, is wrong. They need to get rid of that, scrap it, because it's wrong and embrace the truth of the gospel.

[52:20] Repentance in personal relationships is much the same. When we offend someone by what we said or did, we hurt them, wound them, and we did it because we believe we were right by what we said or did that they took offense to.

[52:36] We need to change our mind about that. And when we do, we are on the threshold of another great dynamic for which our repenting paves the way.

[52:50] You may have already guessed it, and if you haven't, perhaps you will before this segment concludes in about one minute. Please be reminded these concepts are so simple, logical, and even date back to Genesis.

[53:05] Yet, they are so routinely overlooked, ignored, or considered unworthy of implementing, and they go unused. The result of that neglect is devastating.

[53:18] It has ruptured family ties, ruined and ended marriages, brought untold heartache to millions over thousands of years. This, this repentance, is the formidable and difficult step two we challenged you with in another segment on this CD.

[53:40] Remember our telling you how difficult step two is, repentance, and how hard it is to implement? What we are approaching now in its logical sequence is equally ego-shattering.

[53:56] Are you beginning to see why so many people, even Christians, don't make it in their relationships? It's all right here in this simple formula. First, information, second, repentance, and brace yourself for the third, which many will find to be the most dreaded of all.

[54:16] It's also the most powerful and beneficial, and it's upcoming. Introduction to the Apology, Part 1.

[54:34] An apology is the key that opens a hurting heart and prepares it for healing. An apology, like its forerunner, repentance, is so vital, yet so little activated in the right way so as to gain the right effect.

[54:50] The inherent power in a sincere apology is so great, it can completely turn around a seriously broken relationship into a new kind of friendship that may well transcend the relationship before the offense even occurred.

[55:06] This potential is found nowhere else but in the dynamics of a sincere apology. The actual word apology comes from a compound Greek origin.

[55:17] The first part, A-P-O, Apo, simply means from, and the second, Logia, stems from Logos, which means words.

[55:28] So, Apologia, or Apology. When we apologize to someone for a wrong we have done them, we do so with words. Words typically like, I am so sorry, or, I apologize.

[55:45] We already saw from James 3 in our CD number 3 how powerful words are, how encouraging and uplifting words can be, or how destructive and demoralizing they can be.

[56:00] Never underestimate the power of words to soothe or cut to the quick. A principal thing an apology conveys is the concept of personal regret.

[56:12] The one apologizing is admitting they should not have done or said what they did, and if they had it to do over, they wouldn't have said it or done it. Can you not see how the apology naturally follows the repentance that preceded the apology?

[56:30] When we do or say something hurtful and wound another and then have regrets about having done so, we change our mind about it, and that's repentance.

[56:41] But, if our change of mind stops there within ourselves, then the person we offended and hurt doesn't know we have changed our minds.

[56:52] And when you let them in on what has transpired in your mind, you are apologizing to them. This is such a simple yet critical concept.

[57:04] What you are actually doing is you are taking the side of the person you offended against yourself. Take their part against yourself?

[57:16] Who would ever do that? Only someone who is genuinely repentant. A phony apology comes from phony repentance.

[57:29] A true heartfelt apology comes from a heartfelt repentance. If one is genuine, so is the other. If one is phony, so is the other.

[57:40] Repentance and apology work in tandem, and we are going to learn how to genuinely use them and gain genuine benefits therefrom.

[57:51] This is amazing material. Age old, nothing new, simple yet profound. You will see. Introduction to the Apology, Part 2 Before we go any further with these vital relational subjects, Step 1 Information, Step 2 Repentance, and now Step 3 the Apology, we need to explain how they all must hang together, and that phoniness or insincerity in any of them will ruin the whole.

[58:29] This is super important and we are taking pains to explain it as best we can. Each step in our seven-step list of spiritual principles is utterly dependent upon the honesty and sincerity of our heart and mind in the preceding steps.

[58:47] Here's what we mean. If you receive information, say, from a close friend, that you hurt and offended another friend, you now have to decide what to do about that.

[59:00] You've received information. You could defend what you said and let it be known that you are not about to apologize for it. That's being unrepentant.

[59:13] And, perhaps you should be unrepentant. Remember, repentance is the changing of the mind. But it doesn't always mean you should change your mind.

[59:24] You do that when you know you were wrong and you want to make it right. That's when the need for repentance enters. You don't change your mind when you are convinced you are right.

[59:36] Unless, of course, you are devious, insincere, and manipulative. Here's what I mean. Let's just suppose you are in politics. And just suppose you say something in a speech you gave that did offend certain people, perhaps powerful people.

[59:55] And you are informed they were offended and they demand an apology. Well, that's the information you have received. Now, what do you do with that information?

[60:07] Do you change your mind about what you said? Do you repent? The question becomes, do you still feel the same way now as you did when you said it?

[60:18] Do you still believe what you said was right before they ask for an apology? If you do, repentance or changing your mind would betray yourself.

[60:30] You do not repent, nor should you. And if you did apologize, it would be a sham, a tool of manipulation. Simply to say you're sorry and you apologize when your heart is not in it is dishonest as well.

[60:48] Repentance and apology should be reserved when we know we are wrong and want to admit it and undo it to the extent we can.

[61:00] An insincere apology is worthless. But an apology of any kind, sincere or insincere, is all the low moral life of most politics requires.

[61:13] They have never been concerned about sincerity, only perception. Honesty and sincerity are seldom required in the area of politics.

[61:25] Mere politicians will apologize for whatever they feel will help their cause and honesty has nothing to do with it. For the believer, honesty has everything to do with it.

[61:42] The power of repentance and apology. In all our considerations about information, step one, repentance, step two, and the apology, step three, one can hardly fail to recall the famous account of the prodigal son in Luke 15.

[62:00] We find all of the elements Christ gave in this account, elements we have labored to explain. We began with information, which in this case was internal information, and it's just beautiful.

[62:15] The text tells us in Luke 15, 17, after a stint in the pigpen and flat broke from wasting the premature inheritance given by the father, the prodigal is said to have come to his senses.

[62:32] He even mentally rehearsed his plight and his plan of action. This is internal information, if ever there was any. And then he repented.

[62:45] He changed his mind. About what? About nearly everything. And he did so because he came to grips with the truth that he could not deny.

[62:56] He had been wrong, he was wrong, and he knew it. He at least had enough integrity to admit it to himself. We might say he no longer thought his prodigality to be cool.

[63:11] But repenting is something one can keep to oneself. Only by revealing your repentance do you let someone else in on it. And that's the purpose of the apology.

[63:24] He rehearsed that also. To himself he said, I will say, Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight. Wow!

[63:36] What an admission! No excuses, no self-justification, no devil made me do it. It's my bad and mine alone.

[63:47] He wasn't even asking for nor expecting the father's forgiveness. forgiveness. If dear old dad would just be merciful and be willing to put up with him as he would one of the hired hands, he would be so grateful.

[64:03] By the way, dad, I know I'm not deserving of even being considered your son anymore because of my many failures. And you know the father's reaction, compassion, embraces, kisses, robes, rings, sandals, fatted calf, and a big party.

[64:27] What is this parable all about that Jesus is giving? It's about repentance, apology, forgiveness, restoration. That's what it's all about.

[64:40] And perhaps no simple single passage of scripture illustrates these powerful and beautiful God-given principles, as well as this story of the prodigal son.

[64:51] There are prodigal marriages, too. We have one in the little book of Hosea back in the Old Testament. Read it and realize that Hosea is cast as God the father and Gomer, his unfaithful wife, is representing the adulterous and idolatrous nation of Israel.

[65:08] The power of repentance and apology. Absolutely nothing like it. Revisiting critical requirements.

[65:23] For all who began with Marriage on the Rock and CD number one, we hope you will recall the two requirements we introduced as essentials. We call them essentials because without them, a marriage on the rock is impossible to attain.

[65:39] There were only two, but they are all that's needed. The first emphasized the need to recommit to each other as you did when you married. And if you have maintained that original commitment that you made when married, then both husband and wife will know that and agree that it is so.

[65:58] The need for a recommitment is not necessary. Secondly, a recommitment to God and His Word and all it dictates to us. That too may be a commitment you have maintained and a do-over is not necessary.

[66:14] But please be reminded that this dual commitment to both concepts must be enforced by both husband and wife, or you simply will not be able to fulfill what lies ahead on future volumes of Marriage on the Rock.

[66:30] Of course, you're welcome to obtain and hear them anyway, but without those two commitments, you will not have the motivation to put into practice what will be essential to gaining the marriage every Christian couple wants and is entitled to by virtue of simply being a believer.

[66:48] You would then be hearing merely out of curiosity and not with the desire to do. We all know there are many, many Christians who find themselves in an unhappy and unfulfilled marriage.

[67:01] The reasons for this will be addressed along with the biblical correctives, but as we just mentioned, the will and motivation to apply them in your marriage simply will not be there.

[67:15] It's possible your marital frustration index could even increase because you will be hearing what you could have but cannot obtain. It may well be a so close yet so far situation.

[67:30] Seriously now, isn't life too short and marriage too valuable to settle for anything less than a marriage on the rock? There is so very much to be enjoyed in a maximum way with our mate when the harmony expected in marriage is a daily reality.

[67:50] There is nothing quite so wonderful in all the world than this. Is this what you have? For those who do, the upcoming content will reinforce the joy you now have.

[68:04] For those who long for that but don't have it, you may. With those two prerequisites in place and your volition eager to implement the biblical provisions upcoming, there is no reason at all why your marriage will not be revolutionized.

[68:23] God has created a cause and effect world. And when we take the action to create the cause by our attitude and actions, the effect will follow. Without the cause being created by us, the effect so longingly desired will simply not be there.

[68:38] Admittedly, this is simple and all goes back to our motivation. With the two aforementioned requirements, you will have the necessary motivation. Without them, you won't.

[68:49] It's your call. A reminder of our purpose.

[69:01] We continue our attempt to explain very important concepts that in many ways are very simple, yet are met at other times with confusion and ambiguity.

[69:12] necessity. Please overlook my built-in redundancy. It's a redundance felt to be necessary because so very much is at stake in utilizing these principles and it will all be lost if it is not sufficiently clear.

[69:31] So if my repetitiveness bores you, please give me the benefit of the doubt and stay with us. In the end, I'm confident you will be glad you did. These vital steps are based on spiritual principles little known and understood, and therefore, little implemented.

[69:51] Failure to implement these principles leads to an unhappy marriage even among Christians. Worse yet, disregarding them because of walking in the flesh can spell the death of any relationship, especially marriage.

[70:08] Has not the Christian community experienced enough of these painful, broken marriages? This is the sole reason marriage on the rock has come into being.

[70:21] We have seen and heard too much from painful stories involving failed marriages to not at least try and do something about them. Failed marriages among Christians always occur for the same reason.

[70:37] Fleshly activity on the part of one or both partners in the marriage. In over 50 years of marriage counseling, we have yet to see an exception.

[70:51] This means that existing conflicts between any two parties, married or not, is always, always, the word is always, stems from the violation of spiritual, God-given principles on the part of one or both parties.

[71:10] Usually, it is both, but not always. Consequently, we are slowly, methodically navigating through these principles in such a way that those who stay with us will not be able not to get it.

[71:29] And once you get it, then it's up to you as to what you will do with it. But if you don't get it, you'll not make any changes. You won't be able to, and you will lack the motivation and the ability to do so.

[71:47] Lastly, let me assure you, I work no magic, I make no claims whatsoever of any special illumination or extraordinary insight.

[71:58] In fact, this content is not at all unique with me and certainly did not originate with me. Each of these principles have been around for thousands of years since God gave them.

[72:13] All I'm trying to do is highlight them for those who are willing to listen and make application of them. Thanks so much for hanging with us.

[72:25] I think you'll be glad that you did. You've been listening to Marriage on the Rock. A preview of upcoming CD number six.

[72:46] We continue to engage the age-old reason for the difficulties and disharmony of all human relationships, particularly that of marriage.

[72:56] marriage. The reason is no secret. Everybody knows, whether one is a Christian or not, what it is that tears people apart from one another, either with a cooling and emotional distancing or a physical separation extending even to divorce.

[73:14] The culprit is the same as it has been from Cain and Abel. That culprit is the offense. We offend one another by things we say to one another or things we do.

[73:27] It is seldom one-sided and the offenses of saying and doing hurtful things cycles back and forth. The offender becomes the offended and vice versa.

[73:39] Each unresolved offense widens the emotional distance between the parties. None of this is new. Who doesn't realize this? The key is in the resolving of the offense or offenses so as to not only preserve but reinforce in a positive way the relationship that is jeopardized by the offense.

[74:03] Because we're not really very good at resolving our offenses, conflict and disharmony continue. Sadly, sometimes year after year in a marriage where nobody is happy.

[74:17] Marriage on the rock is all about resolving offenses in the way God intended. There is a methodology that we are slowly and deliberately working our way through, step by step, and we are in no hurry.

[74:32] Is there something better we can spend our time on than enhancing and improving our relationships? Nothing I know of. We began with offenses committed.

[74:45] Then we move to the information stage which always precedes the repentance phase. Once repentance is understood and realized, we move on to where we are at the present.

[74:57] The apology stage. And it too is critical. All of these segments are critical for getting us to where we want to be. A marriage on the rock.

[75:08] Remember CD number one? The apology, like repentance, is another of God's silver bullets that actually works wonders when applied. We've already carefully defined the term and how powerful an apology can be.

[75:24] However, an apology that is deficient, which I call an apology on the cheap, can actually add to the harm already done.

[75:36] A genuine apology must contain elements in which each is comprised of genuineness and sincerity in its own right. failure here will explain why some apologies are ineffective and fall flat.

[75:53] And in all this, we wish to repeat that we possess no special abilities or insights others do not have. We merely attempt to dissect these seven components and carefully analyze them so we can understand their interrelatedness and perhaps view them in their simplicity like we have not done in the past.

[76:16] None of his content claims any originality or exclusivity. It's merely a distilling of what has been gained in 50 plus years of marriage counseling, along with 49 years of marriage, gleanings from a myriad of books and seminars from those better qualified than yours truly.

[76:38] And lastly, there is good reason to believe that in a solid comprehensive understanding of the dynamics involved in these seven steps to gaining and maintaining a marriage on the rock, we will all be less inclined to offend one another in word or deed.

[76:57] There will be more time logged in walking in the spirit as opposed to walking in the flesh. And remember, it's the latter that produces all the offenses that tend to drive people apart.

[77:10] So, these seven repeated are the offense, information, repentance, apology, request for forgiveness, forgiveness, and restoration.

[77:23] We are currently underway with the apology. Volume number six is upcoming and deals with crafting the apology. Crafting?

[77:36] An apology has to be crafted? No, it doesn't have to be, but it sure goes a long way to being accepted in the right way with the right result.

[77:48] We shall see. Join us if you will. This is Marv Wiseman. Thank you so much for your prayers and consideration. Thank you.